Random Thoughts

𝐇𝐨𝐭 𝐟𝐮𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞.

8-14-25

This has been bothering me: Was it, "There's always room for jello," or "there's always room for pudding?" If the latter, does it matter if it's served by Bill Cosby?
Smile of the week: a flock of wild turkeys has been grazing under the bird feeders. Reality of the week: turkeys are champion yard fertilizers. In comparison, geese are fecal slackers.
There are three verses in the song, "I'm Henry the VIII I Am," by Heman's Hermits. They are all the same. And, I would listen to "I'm Henry the VIII I Am" on a continuous loop for eternity if it meant I would never again get stuck next to a double-woofer, jaw-jarring, rap-mobile.
Ditto for "Hanky Panky" by Tommy James and the Shondels, which repeats the line "my baby does the hanky Panky" 28 times
Good news: it is so dry, lawn mowing is unnecessary. Bad news: it is so dry, watering the garden is necessary. This may be an example of a neurological pain/pleasure loop. Or maybe the universe is just messing with me.
What is a Shondel, anyway?
It's been 43 years since comedy legend John Belushi died of a heroin/cocaine overdose at Chateau Marmot in Los Angeles, proving, once again, one should not stay at a hotel named after a large rodent.
I have never been to Hawaii or owned a Hawaiian shirt. I have however, seen the movie, Tora, Tora, Tora!" 18 1/2 times and once had a ukulele. Does this count?
Is it some sort of refractive error, or is New York Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge an exceptionally large human? I mean, like, Jaba the Hutt large?
Due to impending oldness, I have removed these items from my life goal list: Run a sub-four-minute mile; hold hands with Linda Ronstadt; spend the day at the beach with a glass eye in my navel.
I added, however, "bench press Aaron Judge." You can wager on the success of this venture on FanDuel.
You know those outdoor showers at the beach, where you can wash off the salt and sand before entering the house? I've been thinking there should be a similar process for washing off the news before entering the day.
I'm wondering what might have happened, if, rather than referring to Mr. Trumps's supporters as a "basket of deplorables," Hillary Clinton has chosen something less derogatory. Like, a basket of fig newtons. Or a basket of marmots. The world will never know.
Oh, and I took, "be elected president" off the life goal list, too.
Later. Gotta put on the barn boots and go feed the turkeys. I wonder if I could train them to shit in the garden…

Just Some Stuff

I read today that an hour in a room with an open fireplace shortens life by 18 minutes. But smoking a cigarette shortens it by only 7 minutes. In other words, smoking extends life! Science rules!
Speaking of questionable math, I figured I will save 17.3 hours of life by not decorating, then un-decorating, for Christmas. This is about the same amount of time I will spend in holiday napping. Does the later enhance the former, or cancel it? Can't figure it out--feeling a little groggy.
What is it about the title, "Secret Lives of Mormon Wives" that makes me want to drive the car over the TV. Several times.
Great money-making idea #1: You know how jeep owners leave little plastic ducks for other jeep owners, who then line them up on their dash? I thought I might create a similar dynamic for Toyota Corollas. I put bunch of $20 bills on the dash of my Corolla. Didn't work. New windshield goes in on Tuesday.
For sports fans of a certain era: "Jesus Saves! Esposito scores on the rebound!"
Great money making idea #2: I went fishing for some NIL money and got no offers. (Just a come-on from the whores on seventh avenue.) Ageism?
I love those recipes that require only items commonly found in your kitchen. Like bourbon and ice cubes.
I remember a commercial that described peanut butter cups as "two great tastes that taste great together." For Christmas, Lori's sister made tarts with smoked eggplant and pomegranate seeds. I believe the contrast defines "polar opposites." Drop the tarts, take the Reese's.
Does anyone really like eggplant? I mean, really--you can't even make it edible by covering it with tomato sauce and cheese.
Life is full of tradeoffs. Con: It takes a good hour of grunting, swearing and crushed fingers to put the snowplow and chains on the tractor. Pro: doing so guarantees there will no snow. (I am not joking. Somewhere in the universe is a mirthful entity laughing its ass off about this.)
Great money-making idea #3: since I gave up fires for smoking, I decided I could sell all the firewood. Then I realized I would have to haul the wood out to the road, which would require using the tractor, which is really awkward when the plow is mounted. Left wood where it was.
Decided the best way to make money was not spend it. Gave up cigarettes.
So there you have it: it's Christmas, there's no snow, no fire in the fireplace, no decorations, no TV. I'm old and broke and have busted-up fingers, nothing in the kitchen but eggplant and bourbon and my transfer portal is a coffin.
And, still, it is truly, truly, a wonderful life.
Wishing you sanity and satisfaction in the coming year.

Have You Ever Noticed….

The people who run spark-shooting snowplows on snowless roads are the same people who get paid to repair the roads in the summer?
Those of us who eschew "fast food" don't consider ice cream to be fast food?
There is an inverse relationship between the quality of a bag of coffee and how quickly the wire fold-over thing falls off?
How many healthy life gurus (podcasters, TV personalities, death row inmates, etc.) are selling their own lines of vitamins and supplements?
That people who put recipes online feel the need to give you the entire history of the dish since the beginning of time? (Jump to recipe!)
Despite the flood of streaming TV, it's still hard to find something interesting to watch?
TV#2: the distance between "Leave It To Beaver" and "Game Of Thrones" is about the same as that between the earth and the far side of the galaxy?
TV#3: if you are right now thinking about pairing June Cleaver and full frontal nudity, I WILL come to your house and take away your milk duds.
How easy it is, within the same month, to say both, "We had REAL winters when I was a kid," and "I'm sick of this ice?"
How age impacts drug choices? When we were young, we might hear, "hey, man, got any ludes?" Now it's more along the lines of, "how did we run out of Tylenol again?"

2-28-25

Things I'm Having a Hard Time With

June, 2025

Non-stopLiberty Mutual Insurance commercials. Honey, we're having emu for dinner.
Motorcycles with radios.
The mere suggestion that there is such a thing as a squirrel-proof bird feeder.
Deer that leave the woods to nibble on the trees in the yard.
The term, "tribute band." It's about the dough, not paying tribute.
Realizing that tribute bands are more entertaining than 93.7% of today's music.
Grass. The kind in your yard. The kind that needs to be mowed. Over and over again. In a modern mythology, Sisyphus would be pushing a lawn mower.
The six months between Easter and Halloween, during which there is no good excuse to buy candy.
Parking garages, built for Beetles, filled with SUVs.
Paul McCartney, who is like 112, still looks younger than me.

Things that may be related to aging….

2-13-25

1. I’m much more likely to discover my zipper is down.

2. I really don't NEED 40 lbs of birdseed. 25 will do.

3. There are more tailgaters on the road.

4. Every year, I recognize the names of fewer hall of fame inductees.

5. I am terrified of the day I hear the last Beatle has died.

6. Ranch houses are much ore appealing than they used to be.

7. The next time I move, I probably won't need milk crates.

8. The meaning of "ice skating" has changed dramatically.

9. As I sit in Drs. waiting rooms, I picture my parents sitting in Drs. waiting rooms. And smile.

10. When I get to the end of a list, I sometimes forget why I started it.

Post-Chuistmas Quips 2024

1-12-25

I prefer an old fashioned Christmas. This year I made them with rye instead of bourbon.
Checkout person: "I hope you're having a good day." Response: "it seems to be getting better the closer I get to the door."
Forget all this stuff about tariffs--if we stopped buying Christmas inflatables, the China/US trade imbalance would disappear.
Christmas Eve church #1: The messiah did not arrive in a brightly-lit church packed to the gills with children wetting themselves with the anticipation of secular booty. That we celebrate the anniversary of the nativity in this manner is a bit bizarre.
Christmas Eve church #2: Franz Gruber rolls in the grave every time the pastor has to explain how to light your neighbor's candle. Charles Darwin simply nods, knowingly.
OK, so back to the inflatables. Someone down the road has an inflatable creche . The figures splay out at strange angles as if they were standing on a small island. On breezy days they bounce back and forth like drunken rock stars. Somewhere in China there is a group of atheist factory workers falling about the place.
Only two Christmas songs have reached #1 on the billboard top 100: Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" and "Christmas Don't Be Late" by Alvin and the Chipmunks. I'm an Alvin guy. Pass the hula hoop, please.
This year I weeded out a lot of ornaments with less-than-happy attachments to past relationships. That left the lights.
As gifts, I sent Ohio's political leaders tubes of Dr. Vann's rhinotumescence-reducing ointment. Applied daily, it limits nose growth. Replacement requests are already pouring in.
On a serious note (it happens occasionally) I hope you all had a fulfilling holiday season. If not, well, grab a six pack and head over the farm and we'll commiserate. Oh, and bring your work gloves....

Some stuff I've been pondering

9-2-24

There used to be an ad for cigarettes featuring the slogan, "I'd walk a mile for Camel." Why would you want a camel? Wouldn't it make more sense to say, "I'd walk a mile for a pizza? I can always use a pizza.
Don't camels spit?
Thinking of spitting (and why wouldn't I?) I am reminded of this 70's song lyric:”The momma looked down and spit on the ground every time my name gets mentioned.”
I'm pretty sure this refers to at least one of my former mothers-in-law.
Has anyone else noticed that Richard Nixon is no longer held up as an example of political malfeasance? Very mysterious.
More on old music: If you want to freak out a vinyl collector, wait you til they show you their collection, then say, "Oh, I wish I'd known. I just threw out my father's collection of 50s-60's rock records. He said they were mint, but I didn't smell anything."
My grandmother, who was a single mom during the depression, was like a watermelon--tough on the outside, sweet on the inside.
Once again, the summer has passed and I've managed to avoid washing the windows. Thought about adding this to my curriculum vita, but didn't want to sound like I was bragging.
The time lapse between "there is nothing like a garden tomato” and "what am I going to do with all these tomatoes?" is short.
In my newspaper today, six of the first nine articles featured the name of a political party or politician. Every day it takes less time to read the paper,
Leaving more time to order pizzas.
And spit.

Things that mystify me.

3-23-25

Why corn is a grass, but if you plant it in your front yard, all the neighbors get pissed off.
Why we use the simile "slippery as an eel" when none of us has ever handled an eel.
Why no one else thinks we should give Texas back to Mexico.
How women can remove bras without taking off their shirts.
How "guys and dolls" became "homies and bitches."
Why heaven and hell are seen as yet to come.
Why errant phone use is always a "butt call" even when the phone is not in your back pocket.
How picking up steaming dog feces with a hand baggie would not, immediately, lead to cat ownership.
Why anyone would follow the adage, "plant your peas on Saint Patrick's day," when you could be out in a bar throwing up green beer. (OK,well, maybe that's not a mystery.)