Random Thoughts

Have You Ever Noticed….

  1. The people who run spark-shooting snowplows on snowless roads are the same people who get paid to repair the roads in the summer?

  2. Those of us who eschew "fast food" don't consider ice cream to be fast food?

  3. There is an inverse relationship between the quality of a bag of coffee and how quickly the wire fold-over thing falls off?

  4. How many healthy life gurus (podcasters, TV personalities, death row inmates, etc.) are selling their own lines of vitamins and supplements?

  5. That people who put recipes online feel the need to give you the entire history of the dish since the beginning of time? (Jump to recipe!)

  6. Despite the flood of streaming TV, it's still hard to find something interesting to watch?

  7. TV#2: the distance between  "Leave It To Beaver" and "Game Of Thrones" is about the same as that between the earth and the far side of the galaxy?

  8. TV#3: if you are right now thinking about pairing June Cleaver and full frontal nudity, I WILL come to your house and take away your milk duds.

  9. How easy it is, within the same month, to say both, "We had REAL winters when I was a kid," and "I'm sick of this ice?"

  10. How age impacts drug choices? When we were young, we might hear, "hey, man, got any ludes?" Now it's more along the lines of, "how did we run out of Tylenol again?"

2-28-25

Post-Chuistmas Quips 2024

1-12-25

  1. I prefer an old fashioned Christmas. This year I made them with rye instead of bourbon.

  2. Checkout person: "I hope you're having a good day." Response: "it seems to be getting better the closer I get to the door."

  3. Forget all this stuff about tariffs--if we stopped buying Christmas inflatables, the China/US trade imbalance would disappear.

  4. Christmas Eve church #1: The messiah did not arrive in a brightly-lit church packed to the gills with children wetting themselves with the anticipation of secular booty. That we celebrate the anniversary of the nativity in this manner is a bit bizarre.

  5. Christmas Eve church #2: Franz Gruber rolls in the grave every time the pastor has to explain how to light your neighbor's candle. Charles Darwin simply nods, knowingly.

  6. OK, so back to the inflatables. Someone down the road has an inflatable creche . The figures splay out at strange angles as if they were standing on a small island. On breezy days they bounce back and forth like drunken rock stars. Somewhere in China there is a group of atheist factory workers falling about the place.

  7. Only two Christmas songs have reached #1 on the billboard top 100: Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" and "Christmas Don't Be Late" by Alvin and the Chipmunks. I'm an Alvin guy. Pass the hula hoop, please.

  8. This year I weeded out a lot of ornaments with less-than-happy attachments to past relationships. That left the lights.

  9. As gifts, I sent Ohio's political leaders tubes of Dr. Vann's rhinotumescence-reducing ointment. Applied daily, it limits nose growth. Replacement requests are already pouring in.

  10. On a serious note (it happens occasionally) I hope you all had a fulfilling holiday season. If not, well, grab a six pack and head over the farm and we'll commiserate. Oh, and bring your work gloves....

Some stuff I've been pondering

9-2-24

  1. There used to be an ad for cigarettes featuring the slogan, "I'd walk a mile for Camel." Why would you want a camel? Wouldn't it make more sense to say, "I'd walk a mile for a pizza? I can always use a pizza.

  2. Don't camels spit?

  3. Thinking of spitting (and why wouldn't I?) I am reminded of this 70's song lyric:”The momma  looked down and spit on the ground every time my name gets mentioned.”

  4. I'm pretty sure this refers to at least one of my former mothers-in-law.

  5. Has anyone else noticed that Richard Nixon is no longer held up as an example of political malfeasance? Very mysterious.

  6. More on old music: If you want to freak out a vinyl collector, wait you til they show you their collection, then say, "Oh, I wish I'd known. I just threw out my father's collection of 50s-60's rock records. He said they were mint, but I didn't smell anything."

  7. My grandmother, who was a single mom during the depression, was like a watermelon--tough on the outside, sweet on the inside.

  8. Once again, the summer has passed and I've managed to avoid washing the windows. Thought about adding this to my curriculum vita, but didn't want to sound like I was bragging.

  9. The time lapse between "there is nothing like a garden tomato” and "what am I going to do with all these tomatoes?" is short.

  10. In my newspaper today, six of the first nine articles featured the name of a political party or politician. Every day it takes less time to read the paper,

    Leaving more time to order pizzas.

    And spit.

Things that mystify me.

3-23-25

  1. Why corn is a grass, but if you plant it in your front yard, all the neighbors get pissed off.

  2. Why we use the simile "slippery as an eel" when none of us has ever handled an eel.

  3. Why no one else thinks we should give Texas back to Mexico.

  4. How women can remove bras without taking off their shirts.

  5. How "guys and dolls" became "homies and bitches."

  6. Why heaven and hell are seen as yet to come.

  7. Why errant phone use is always a "butt call" even when the phone is not in your back pocket.

  8. How picking up steaming dog feces with a hand baggie would not, immediately, lead to cat ownership.

  9. Why anyone would follow the adage, "plant your peas on Saint Patrick's day," when you could be out in a bar throwing up green beer. (OK,well, maybe that's not a mystery.)