This was to be it. The year I would make no comment about the economic and aesthetic debauchery of holiday decorating. No whining about pumpkins in landfills or streets lined with house-dwarfing inflatables. Wasn’t going to happen.
It took only a trip to my favorite big box to erase this resolve. One second I'm shielding my eyes from the glare of a forest of pre-strung artificial trees, the next I'm face to face with the biggest reindeer on the planet. (OK-- maybe an exaggeration, but still pretty darn big.) I tried to look away, make a break for the safety of the plumbing department and would have made it had I not caught sight of the tag:
“8.5 FOOT L.E.D. GIANT-SIZED TOWERING REINDEER"
Wow. Just....wow.
Both giant and towering! At $299, a steal! And will only take 45 minutes for two adults to assemble and plug in! Obviously, the grand poohbah of yard ornaments. "Marge, screw the blow-up skating penguins--wait until the neighbors get a load of this!"
Double wow.
As if having the biggest reindeer on the block isn't enough, this item "pairs with 8.5 ft. Towering Santa and 8 ft. Santa's Sleigh." Pairs with!? I love it. "Excuse me, waiter, would you recommend the Santa or the sleigh to go along with this reindeer?"
Of course, to maintain neighborhood superiority, one would have to own all three, costing, with tax, about a thousand bucks. And why stop there? Imagine a herd (let's say eight, no nine--can't forget Rudolph) of giant-sized LED towering reindeer hauling the Giant-Sized LED Santa's Sleigh and Giant-Sized LED Towering Santa across your yard. Now THAT would be a Christmas to remember! Samuel Clement would be so proud.
As for rant-suppression, there’s always next year.
(To my network of grinches, a request: please send pictures of the first yard you discover with all three towering items. In return I will send you a cookie. Find the complete sleigh and pulled by eight tinytowering reindeer, and I will come to your house and bake your cookies. What wine pairs with cookies, anyway?)
POSTSCRIPT: Since my initial encounter with the giant and towering clan, they have been showing up on secondary online markets for hundreds of dollars over retail. Act fast. And don't forget those cookies.